10 Funny Housewarming Gifts for Anyone Who Has to Live With Other People
Most housewarming gifts are a candle nobody asked for.
The closet/shelf full of various scent competing candles just stares at you once the party is over. Meanwhile a few weeks in you sit quietly at war with a roommate who has never once changed the toilet paper roll, and no amount of vanilla-sandalwood is going to fix that.
Hindsight being twenty-twenty - these are the housewarming gifts people should actually use. Great for a new place. Even better for a roommate situation that is already three weeks into a cold war.
1. For the roommate who thinks the hamper is a group project
The laundry basket has been full since Wednesday. And on top of the washer. Adult people continue to lower it and set it back up there to continue on their own adulting responsibilities. Yet..it somehow still persists.
A pack of Kindly Fuck Off flags planted in the pile handles it with the manners intact. Want the version with zero veneer? The every so elegant Fuck Off says it in two words. Tuck a pack into a housewarming card and call it the kindest warning shot in gifting.
2. For the sink that quietly became one person's job
We get it - wash, rinse, repeat can be complicated. And even more challenging? Taking the dish from the sink to the perfectly good dishwasher that is nothing but ecstatic to help do this chore.
A Fuck Eww flag planted in the crusty pan communicates a very specific Alexis Rose energy to the exact right person and that the flies buzzing around may have to start paying rent too.
3. For the toilet paper martyr
It is nearly empty. It has been nearly empty. One tragic square clings to the cardboard like a distress flare. Everybody is holding out for the last square to spare and playing roulette with the explosive diarrhea going around.
A Pirate Fuck Right Off flag planted directly on the empty roll says it all. You see it is empty. You see that they see it is empty. And now you are all seeing that somebody should at least put a buffer roll nearby.
4. For Brian and his wet glass on the good table
You mentioned the coaster. You pointed at the coaster. You watched someone look directly at the coaster and set a dripping glass six inches to the left of it.
The Put Your Fucking Drink Here Coaster prints the instructions right on the surface. Cork back, high gloss, completely done asking nicely. It is the ultimate housewarming gift because it delivers a house rule on day one, before the first water ring ever happens.
5. For the plant parent with a nemesis
The succulents, the macrame, the one trailing thing they have somehow kept alive. It is a whole curated corner, and they would like to keep the bad energy the fuck out of it.
A Groovy Fuck Off flag tucked into a pot is peace, love, and a firm boundary. Retro good vibes on top, very clear expectations underneath. Made for the friend who has a peace sign somewhere in their home and also, separately, a list.
6. For the wall that needs to say something
Every home has one wall doing the talking for the whole place. The office. The entryway. The spot guests see first and judge everything from.
The Fuck Off Pennant is the final piece that turns a room with a vibe into a room with a position, and it arrives ready to hang. The housewarming gift for the person finally decorating a space that is entirely theirs.
7. For the porch that needs to set the tone
Some days your friend wakes up simply not available. Not for the noise, not for the nonsense, not for the neighbor who treats a closed door as a suggestion.
The Not Today Fuck Off Flag hangs on the porch and handles the entire conversation from the sidewalk. Advance notice, no follow-up questions. If their fuck offs tend to happen outside, everything for the yard and the cookout lives here.
8. For the household's biggest tool
Every shared home has one. The person who leaves the garage a disaster, borrows the drill and never returns it, and somehow still narrates how everyone else is doing it wrong.
A pack of Off You Fuck flags in the toolbox is the quiet dismissal that lands a half second after they read it. The biggest tool was never in the box. It has been carrying the box this whole time.
9. For the kitchen with the sharpest tongue in the house
Knives are sharp. Words cut deeper. The most cutting thing on the counter should not be the chef's knife.
A Rainbow Fuck Off flag delivers the message with a smile and a little color, which somehow makes it worse for whoever earned it. Cheerful on the outside, completely serious underneath. The nicest way to tell someone in your kitchen to get the fuck out of it.
10. For the whole chaotic house at once
If you are gifting a housewarming and you genuinely do not know which specific crime this new place will generate first, do not guess. Cover all of them.
The All the Fucks to Give Assortment is twelve designs, one for basically every situation four walls and a roommate can produce. The best housewarming gift there is: proof that you love someone and you have also, clearly, met their future roommates.
Welcome home. Bring flags.
You cannot pick your roommate's relationship with the dishwasher. You cannot teach Brian about coasters. You can absolutely make sure your friend is armed in every room of their new place, which is a far better gift than a candle and considerably more satisfying to give.