How to Use Fuck Off More at Work
Mostly NOT HR Compliant. Surprise. What fun thing ever is?
You spend roughly a third of your life at work. And work generates approximately three quarters of the things you would actually like to tell to fuck off. The math is not mathing. Something has to give and we’re pretty sure it’s not your job (unless you are independently wealthy) so it might as well be the slow internal scream you have been carrying around since the last all-hands.
We love a good list so we present the five practical ways to bring fuck off into your work life, whether you want a private fuck to give in your top drawer, a chaos campaign that lasts a quarter, or a final blaze of glory on your way out the door.
A reasonable person in HR is going to read this and have some real feelings about it. Fuck off.
1. The Just-In-Case-Of-Emergency Fuck Off
You are not unhinged. You are prepared.
You may not be ready to go full fuck off flag on your desk like a nameplate, although sometimes it is written across your face already - but you DIDN’T SAY IT Melissa from HR and that is what we call growth.
What we are saying is that there is a deep and abiding peace that comes from knowing you have a fuck to give within arms reach. We keep ours in our wallet at all times. The office is no different.
Keep a couple of Kindly Fuck Off Toothpick Flags in your top drawer for the everyday situations, like when Phil from IT comes by and asks if you have restarted or cleared your cache one more fucking time while trying to make board slides, you may finally offering your feedback via the fuck off he deserves.
Sometimes we enjoy tuck a Fuck You Very Much Toothpick Flag into the back of a folder for the moments when we can’t get up and leave the situation immediately but can distract ourselves for just a moment to clear the fuck off from our throat and see it in the back of an old sales deck. Peace returns and now Sharon can leave without an additional reason of coming back.
2. Chaos Agent: Fuck Off Hide and Seek
Passive aggression is strong in the workplace. Let’s lean into it. People love hiding a tiny duck around - why not a tiny fuck off flag?
Tuck behind diplomas, in plants, under keyboards, in files, in the office supply closet. You get the satisfaction that one day, at one random moment, Sophie is going to uncover the To Whom It May Concern: Fuck Off that has been waiting for her for some time and you look forward to the office wide email complaining about it.
Maybe even there will be a meeting, an emergency meeting, to talk about community in the workplace. And little do they know, that in that very conference flag, another Fuck Off Over the Rainbow Toothpick Flag waits in the shadows. This meeting should definitely NOT be an email.
3. The Fuck Off Send Off (Retirement, New Job, or Getting Out)
Lucky for Dave retiring. Congrats to Amy getting out of this hellscape. But also selfishly they can fuck off for leaving YOU behind, with Phil and Sophie nonetheless! Now you have to build new friends in this political nightmare. How dare they leave you alone in enemy territory.
In these moments you can really lean into becoming the mayor of Fuck Off city and make it the theme of a party. Relish in the time you get to spend at work amongst the joy of “jokingly” saying Fuck You Very Much - please have a cupcake - to your boss, your boss’s boss and really anybody who enters the sad conference room party looking for free cake. Enjoy this 60 minutes. Your retirement is many more away.
4. Fuck Off Tag (For You and Your Work Bestie Only)
This is best used with your work bestie. You need a game to make the days, weeks, quarter go by. Leave a Fuck Eww Toothpick Flag in their meeting prep, in a notebook, etc. Next, they return the favor. You spend the day no longer in the droll of corporate monotony but now awaiting where you find a tiny fuck off just for you.
Some people get through the workday on caffeine. You get through it on a long-running, escalating, deeply petty game of fuck off tag with your one work friend. This game has no winners. This game has no losers. This game is the only reason you have not yet quit. Suddenly Tuesday is no longer Tuesday. Tuesday is a hunt. Wednesday is when you plant. Thursday they retaliate.
5. On Your Own Way Out
You finally got the offer. You finally pulled the trigger. You drafted the resignation letter. You scheduled the meeting with your boss. You have been waiting for this day so long you forgot what your face looked like when it was actually relaxed.
Ready to burn some bridges? On your last day plant your For the Summit of Fuck Off Mountain flags across the work place to those that have wronged you along the way. Ciera in customer service - fuck off to you. Valerie in warehouse - happy fuck off to you. Mike in the front office - got a fuck off for you too.
We just made the flags. What you do with them is between you, your work bestie, and Phil from fucking IT.