Funny Christmas Gifts: The 12 Days of Fuck Off (Plus a Card They'll Never See Coming)
The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year. They are also four hours in the car with a tree on the roof, the same six songs in every store, and a relative who has not asked you a single question since last December suddenly very curious about your love life.
We are not here to fix any of that. We are here to make sure you have something honest to say about it. Meet the 12 Days of Fuck Off, the Very Happy Holiday card, and the most surprising thing you can put in someone's mailbox this year.
The 12 Days of Fuck Off Holiday Toothpick Flag Pack
Twelve flags. Six festive fuck offs. Two of each, because one is for the party and one is for the person at the party. Here is the lineup, and where each one belongs.
Merry Fucking Christmas. The classic. Top of the tree, middle of the cookie tray, or right in the eggnog of whoever made the eggnog too strong.
Happy Fucking Holidays. For the office party, where you have to be inclusive and you would also like to go home.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Fuck Off. For the moment someone asks if you have "been good this year." You have been exactly as good as the year allowed.
Fa-La-La-La-La Fuck Off. For the neighbor whose inflatable lawn display plays music until 11pm. Every night. Since Thanksgiving.
To: Regifted / From: Fuck Off. A gift tag that tells the truth. Stick it in the bow and skip the Sharpie.
Out of Office: Fuck Off Until January. The auto-reply you have been drafting in your head since Halloween, now in physical form. Plant it on your keyboard on your last day before PTO and do not look back.
The 12 Days of Fuck Off pack is $10, and it is festive enough for the office. Mostly. It works in cocktails, cupcakes, stockings and white elephant piles, where it will absolutely get stolen.
The Very Happy Holiday Greeting Card
It is a sweet card. Look at it. A little red car with a tree tied to the roof, a big red bow, soft crayon lines. It looks like it came from a boutique that also sells candles named after feelings. Outside, it says: Wishing you a very happy holiday.
Then they open it. Inside: not really. fuck off.
The Very Happy Holiday card is $4.50 and looks completely normal on the mantel next to everyone else's cards, which is the whole point. It is for the in-laws, the office Secret Santa (depending on your office), and the friend who will laugh so hard they text you a photo of it. This one comes from you: sign it, stamp it, or hand it across the table at dinner. Tuck a couple of flags from the 12 Days pack inside and the whole gift is handled.
The ultimate surprise: a card from absolutely no one
Want to send something without your name anywhere near it? That is a separate service, and it is the best surprise we make.
With our anonymous card service, you pick the card and the closing line, give us the address, and we do the rest. We handwrite it in block capitals, seal it in a plain white envelope with a Forever stamp, and mail it within two business days. No return address. No logo. No receipt tucked inside. Just a card landing in someone's mailbox for reasons they are going to think about through New Year's.
The anonymous service has its own two cards. Just Because has nine cheerful little faces on the front and a gentle observation inside that fucking off doesn't seem to come naturally to them. Thinking of You is retro chevrons and the most sincere-looking card we make, right up until the inside adds: and getting pissed off.
Most of these go to friends. The college roommate who will spend a week trying to figure out who sent it. The sister who will immediately accuse three cousins. The coworker who will show it to the whole team on Monday. Sign it with your name, or leave it blank and let them work through the list. It is $12, US addresses only, and the most fun you will have at the post office without going to the post office.
Get the holidays handled
Grab the 12 Days of Fuck Off pack ($10) for the party, the Very Happy Holiday card ($4.50) to send yourself, and an anonymous card ($12) for the friend who will never see it coming. Shipping is free on every order. Order early. The holidays are coming whether you are ready or not.
'Tis the season to be honest.